Purging, Detoxing.... Simplicity

Some time ago I decided while at the health food store (i.e. Henry's Farmer's Market, my second home) to buy myself a box of "Detox Tea". Yogi Detox Tea, to be exact. Since I have become an avid wine drinker (in moderation of course) I thought I should probably do something to help my liver process out all toxins I was putting in my body. -Not to mention the numerous surgery drugs, pollutants and chemicals in the air, water and food. As far as detoxing my body goes, the goal is to get ride of the waste, so that all that is left is the good stuff to live a long, healthy, productive life.

What I didn't expect from this whim of a decision so many months ago is that it would initiate a aggregate process of the purging of my soul. Maybe I should have figured as much, as the body and soul are ever so intimately connected, but this wasn't my plan or intention.

As the detox tea was just a beginning, I began to be aware that there is more potential for toxins to enter my soul in my daily life that I was immediately aware. Facebook. The internet. Television. Hulu. Netfix. NPR. Food. Work. School. Housework. Homework. Responsibilities. --all the good and bad seems wrapped into one. Where was there space in my life to sit, be, listen to the Spirit, sleep, cook, bake, swim? -Where did the life giving activities of my life go? Work, FB, the internet, movies and television are not inherently bad; however, what was becoming clear is that they were crowding my life, leaving me with no space to be a human being. I was restless and the noise was giving me a debilitating headache.

Then the purging. The season of Lent.

A few weeks ago the radio went off in my car. By that I mean, NPR began to sound like pots and pans clattering and clanging rather than enriching information about the world. Purging. Other than the Spirit's movement in my soul at this particular time in my life, I have no explanation for this experience. But I am thankful for it.

What I am finding to be the case is that the more purging we actively participate in, the more space there is to sit and be with ourselves and with God. -Being with myself is not always -or hardly ever, a comfortable or enjoyable place to be, but learning to be present with another is the most life giving experience. That is what I want to move towards.

Purging. Learning how to create space in my life: soul and body, is giving me a small taste of the experience of "the good life".

Fighting for Stillness Part 2: Failing at Lent

If it is possible to fail in my lenten practice, last week I did. However, maybe the only way to truly fail at Lent is to not even notice that there has been "failure". Essentially, the season of Lent is about preparing in our hearts to mourn the death of Christ, to recognize our own mortality and to prepare for the celebration of the New Life we have  in Jesus. Therefore, to be "unsuccessful" in giving up what I set out to give up brings me to a place of deep recognition of my own mortality. I cannot be successful in turning my heart to God on my own. Life in this world is filled with noise and distraction. The ability to even quite my own heart and mind feels so far beyond my control. This is my mortality. My finitude.

So this week is fresh. The battle continues with in me. What will win? Stillness and peace or noise and distraction? A general sense that things will one day be right in this world? Or that the world will consume me?

All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Ecclesiastes 3:20

Fighting for Stillness

March has made a grand entrance with beautiful weather! Spring has come and the sharp bite of cold winter air has left the smell of Jasmine in its place. With the coming of spring a sense of stillness has settled. Maybe it is the reminder of new life, maybe it is the beginning of Lent or for whatever reason I am compelled to remain still.

This feeling began upon return from a retreat for school followed by 2 days in bed as a result of being sick. In that time I vegged on "Grey's Anatomy" and contemplated the significance of my life. -What sort of life do I want to live and what sort of person do I need to be to live that life? Maybe the questions should be asked in the reverse order: What sort of person do I want to be and what life does that compel me to live? As I moved through crowded and noisy thoughts and feelings of the various demands of life a few things remained constant. Desires for peace, stillness, rest, thoughtfulness, presentness.... all moods that pave a path toward deep connection to God, oneself and others. All moods that seem to directly contradict the fast paced, crowded, technology filled, noisy Southern California I live in. Here is where the fight began.

How do I remain internally still while surrounded by external demand and chaos? I have learned from culture and society that the "high functioning" or "busy life" is a good life, but the life I desire is one of quiet and stillness. So my fight continues. Job-work, schoolwork, housework --where is there space for stillness?

I'm practicing deep breaths, walking at reasonable pace -one step at a time, quiet, bread making, minimal media, awareness of my body and soul. Directing my attention to the noise around me and allowing it to flow through me rather than get stuck inside of me. These are my weapons in the war. A war that is not easily fought -or won, except by intension and the grace of God.

So tonight, I will sit on my porch with a glass of wine and fresh baked bread, listen to the speeding cars pass by -bringing to the foreground of my mind the sweet smelling breeze, the soft chirp of crickets, the leaves rustling and remember that there can be stillness in the midst of chaos -And I will fight for it.

The Year of the Grilled Cheese

They say you are what you eat. If that is the case this year I would be a grilled cheese sandwich. Since there is reasonable evidence that I have not yet turned into a grilled cheese, more than "I am what I eat" I more wonder what I am eating say about the current state of my life.

I have this sneaky suspicion that my Tillamook Medium Cheddar on whole wheat (generally Kirkland Multigrain; if I'm lucky Dave's Killer Bread) says more about my life this past year than I generally willing to admit -or at least that I am consciously aware.

So what do grilled cheese sandwiches say about this past year for me? I've needed comfort food. Something easy, quick, savory, and filling. This has also been the coldest wettest year I remember since living in SoCal -and cold weather just calls for a crispy, gooy grilled cheese! Bread and cheese are the staples most often found in my cupboard/fridge. Bread and cheese also go very well with wine. Another one of my favorite things to partake in.

The need for comfort food is what I seem to land on as the most telling part of the continuous eating of my delicious grilled cheese sandwich. This has been a FULL year to say the least. Between work, recovering from surgery, beginning my MA is Spiritual Formation (which alone requires comfort food) and maybe having somewhat of a life -LIFE IS FULL. I've had so little time and space to plan my meals that a toasted bread with soft and warm insides satisfy my need for good food with out requiring more of me. I am not sure if this is something that makes me feel sad or just thankful. -Sad that I haven't had more time and space to tear apart the kitchen to produce something exquisit. -Thankful that in spite of a full like I have found something that satisfies my particular taste and need for nourishment.

All that to say, grilled cheese sandwiches have sustained me in the food department this year. This is a good. I may even have one for dinner tonight!

Sustainability?

Sustainability. It is all the rage to be concerned about. You might even say that to not be concerned about sustainability would be to irresponsible and selfish. So here is my attempt to be responsible in living a sustainable life.

Walking through the San Jose airport the other day in an oh-so-responsible way I wanted to properly dispose of the trash leftover after breakfast. When I found the place of proper disposal there were words written above each of 3 openings: "Bottles/Cans" "Paper" "Trash to the Landfill". These words sent me on  sent me a guilt trip. I paused and reflected, "is this waste recyclable?" Nope. So to the landfill it went. -Sigh- this doesn't seem sustainable to me. Aren't we eventually going to run out of space in out landfills?

Just below the sufrace of my consciousness lays a deep concern of sustainability. It has been surfacing recently: Is the Christian life, as we have been taught, sustainable?  Now the validity of this question may in and of itself be questioned as a result of the subject-ability of all the ways we have been taught and individual interpretations of the words from the pulpit. The question still remains why is it that what many of us were thought to believe a "mature Christian" is one who lives in some sort of euphoric experience of being "on fire for Jesus" combined with fanatical piety. I don't know about you, but if this is what it actually is to be a "Christian", I quit. This is not my continuous experience or with in my feeble capability.

It seems the landfill of my heart is filled to capacity of the shoulds and oughts of what my Christian experience should be and what I should do. So where is the hope of sustainability in the Christian life? If my heart truly feels like a landfill it seems that I have missed something, because I am pretty sure that this isn't the abundant life of what Jesus speaks. Where do we go from here? I find most often the conclusion is dispare. Dispare that what we thought it was to be a Christian is really NOT sustainable; therefore, it should be abandoned to some other way of life. Not that there is more hope in any other way of life, but at least there isn't the disappointment of unmet expectations.

If sustainability is really something that we are concerned about, then we should be talking about whether or not our experience as Christians is sustainable. If Jesus is the way, the truth and the life; then a life following him will be sustainable. If the way we are following Jesus isn't sustainable than one of two ideas we must reject. First, reject Jesus as the our Savior and God. Or second, reject the way we think the Christian life should be lived and experienced. Provided that following Him isn't sustainable; I wouldn't question Him --I would question how it is that I think this life should be.

How can the words that I hear become compost, nourishing the garden of my heart, rather than waste that takes up the space and capacity I have to truly love God? Where is the way to a sustainable Christian life? I can't imagine it would be trying hard, doing more or being consumed with guilt by believing that I am not having the experiences that I supposedly "should" be having. I know that life isn't sustainable. So I will journey on to discover the way of sustainability; maybe one day I will be a good hipster and discover the route.

This being said. I will rest in the words of the Psalmist "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:13-14).

embarrassment, awkwardness and the like

Embarrassment is an interesting beast. We all feel it generally in response to what we perceive others think of us as it relates to sentiments of awkwardness, stupidity and/or shame. Embarrassment is isolating and egocentric. Isolating in that it keeps us from connecting with others -accepting and receiving acceptance. And egocentric in that I am the center of this universe and everyone else is judging how I look and act in an instance of embarrassment.

Last week I was the perceived source of these feelings of judgement in two different instances....

Take One: I walked into the bar area at a local restaurant to meet up with the physical therapists at the clinic I've been going to for the last 2.5 years. One of the gentlemen therapists states loudly, "Laura, I don't recognize you with your pants on!" AWK-WARD. For me? For him? I decided for him. I know what he meant was that I always come to physical therapy in work out clothes i.e. SHORTS. None of the therapists have seen me in "normal" clothes. But what makes this embarrassing is the equivocation of the phrase: "I don't recognize you with your pants on." -Yes generally referring to... well... you know what I mean. This foot-in-mouth experience lead to embarrassment for said gentlemen physical therapist.

Take Two: Siting in a local Pasadena coffee shop across for a very good looking man I decided to practice flirting. (What an embarrassing thing to admit!) While walking past I make eye contact. Flirting practice, success. Some time later, after I having returned to my seat across from Mr. Good-Lookin', he begins to pack up. I make eye contact again, success. Picking up the last few things -crash his cellular telephone drops and flies across the floor, then bending over to pick it up the chair is knocked over banging and clattering on the cement floor. EVERYONE looks. It was like one of those slow motion scenes in the movies when something terrible is happening. I see it all; the whole chain reaction of klutziness. He's thinking: AWESOME, this is why I'm single. EMBARRASSMENT.

Where does the embarrassment come from? Is it external, projected from other people or internal, my feelings regarding my actions, words or circumstance. Yes. Society seems to dictate what actions, words and circumstances constitute what is embarrassing or awkward. I.e. dropping a cell phone and knocking over a chair is an ungraceful action and you should feel shame that you would act in such a way. AND I believe I should be a person who only acts and speaks in ways that I think are "good" and "perfect". Hence embarrassment being internally produce by not meeting my own expectations. Haven't we each found ourselves in circumstances that are less than ideal? Haven't we all put our foot-in-mouth? Why do we expect ourselves and others to meet our ideals? Instead of feeling awkward and isolated, couldn't we choose grace and camaraderie? Instead of thinking you (and me) should feel embarrassed for not being what society (or myself) has deemed perfect can we accept ourselves and others in our places of imperfection?

So to say, "Do x, y, & z so you won't be embarrassed." In fact says, "I (and everyone else) will not love and accept you if you are not perfect." We turn the tables of onus of embarrassment. We claim it is internal when in actuality it is external. We create instances of embarrassment for ourselves and each other. The very thing we all want to avoid we impose on ourselves. The irony in this is that these embarrassing situations could potentially be avoided if we all mutually committed to not judging or imposing ideals of what does or doesn't constitute non-ideal words, actions and circumstances.

Embarrassment taken to the next level is shame and guilt in response to original sin -our inherent imperfection. God has offered his unconditional love and acceptance to us even in our places of sin. In our gross, ulgy ...morning breath and stinky pooh pooh places God knows and loves us. He says there is no need for embarrassment -guilt and shame- because love and acceptance has been offered.

God, allow us the grace to lean deeper into your love and acceptance. Receiving from you an identity of righteousness -being fully and completely accepted. Grant us strength and freedom through confidence in you to extend this acceptance and love to others, reflecting more perfecting your Image. -Cheers

In ordinary time....

Never celebrate tomorrow what you can celebrate today.  -Scott Huler

In the struggle to to begin this new blog adventure of mine with something profound I have put off posting anything. Upon further reflection on what it is to live in "Ordinary Time" I decided that one short simple post would be better than a long robust musing on something is venturing to be profound, but quite possibly (and most likely) falling short.

It seems to me that we live in ordinary time hoping and waiting for the next moment (or season) of extraordinary. While the extraordinary is invigorating it is not the place were we spend most of life. We seem to have concluded that ordinary is synonymous with boring, dull and mundane. The problem with this way of thinking is that it undermines the value of each day of life and we are left deeply unsatisfied. If only the extraordinary is of value why do we spend so much time living in the day-in day-out? This can't be the abundant life Jesus came to give us.  Frankly, I am unsatisfied with being bored. While this may be motivation to finally do what I have been meaning to do, I risk seeing the normal, average and ordinary as the moments that shape my soul.

Laying in piles were winter's remnants of the death along the path to work this morning. Bringing to my attention the every changing seasons and passing of ordinary time. This is where life is lived. It would be charitable see the ordinary not as something other that it is but recognize the innate value of ordinary time by the mere fact of its consistency and longevity -God must have something for us in the ordinary.

So raise a glass to the ordinary. We don't have to wait till tomorrow to celebrate ..... ; it is here today in Ordinary Time.