If it is possible to fail in my lenten practice, last week I did. However, maybe the only way to truly fail at Lent is to not even notice that there has been "failure". Essentially, the season of Lent is about preparing in our hearts to mourn the death of Christ, to recognize our own mortality and to prepare for the celebration of the New Life we have in Jesus. Therefore, to be "unsuccessful" in giving up what I set out to give up brings me to a place of deep recognition of my own mortality. I cannot be successful in turning my heart to God on my own. Life in this world is filled with noise and distraction. The ability to even quite my own heart and mind feels so far beyond my control. This is my mortality. My finitude.
So this week is fresh. The battle continues with in me. What will win? Stillness and peace or noise and distraction? A general sense that things will one day be right in this world? Or that the world will consume me?
All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Ecclesiastes 3:20
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Fighting for Stillness
March has made a grand entrance with beautiful weather! Spring has come and the sharp bite of cold winter air has left the smell of Jasmine in its place. With the coming of spring a sense of stillness has settled. Maybe it is the reminder of new life, maybe it is the beginning of Lent or for whatever reason I am compelled to remain still.
This feeling began upon return from a retreat for school followed by 2 days in bed as a result of being sick. In that time I vegged on "Grey's Anatomy" and contemplated the significance of my life. -What sort of life do I want to live and what sort of person do I need to be to live that life? Maybe the questions should be asked in the reverse order: What sort of person do I want to be and what life does that compel me to live? As I moved through crowded and noisy thoughts and feelings of the various demands of life a few things remained constant. Desires for peace, stillness, rest, thoughtfulness, presentness.... all moods that pave a path toward deep connection to God, oneself and others. All moods that seem to directly contradict the fast paced, crowded, technology filled, noisy Southern California I live in. Here is where the fight began.
How do I remain internally still while surrounded by external demand and chaos? I have learned from culture and society that the "high functioning" or "busy life" is a good life, but the life I desire is one of quiet and stillness. So my fight continues. Job-work, schoolwork, housework --where is there space for stillness?
I'm practicing deep breaths, walking at reasonable pace -one step at a time, quiet, bread making, minimal media, awareness of my body and soul. Directing my attention to the noise around me and allowing it to flow through me rather than get stuck inside of me. These are my weapons in the war. A war that is not easily fought -or won, except by intension and the grace of God.
So tonight, I will sit on my porch with a glass of wine and fresh baked bread, listen to the speeding cars pass by -bringing to the foreground of my mind the sweet smelling breeze, the soft chirp of crickets, the leaves rustling and remember that there can be stillness in the midst of chaos -And I will fight for it.
This feeling began upon return from a retreat for school followed by 2 days in bed as a result of being sick. In that time I vegged on "Grey's Anatomy" and contemplated the significance of my life. -What sort of life do I want to live and what sort of person do I need to be to live that life? Maybe the questions should be asked in the reverse order: What sort of person do I want to be and what life does that compel me to live? As I moved through crowded and noisy thoughts and feelings of the various demands of life a few things remained constant. Desires for peace, stillness, rest, thoughtfulness, presentness.... all moods that pave a path toward deep connection to God, oneself and others. All moods that seem to directly contradict the fast paced, crowded, technology filled, noisy Southern California I live in. Here is where the fight began.
How do I remain internally still while surrounded by external demand and chaos? I have learned from culture and society that the "high functioning" or "busy life" is a good life, but the life I desire is one of quiet and stillness. So my fight continues. Job-work, schoolwork, housework --where is there space for stillness?
I'm practicing deep breaths, walking at reasonable pace -one step at a time, quiet, bread making, minimal media, awareness of my body and soul. Directing my attention to the noise around me and allowing it to flow through me rather than get stuck inside of me. These are my weapons in the war. A war that is not easily fought -or won, except by intension and the grace of God.
So tonight, I will sit on my porch with a glass of wine and fresh baked bread, listen to the speeding cars pass by -bringing to the foreground of my mind the sweet smelling breeze, the soft chirp of crickets, the leaves rustling and remember that there can be stillness in the midst of chaos -And I will fight for it.
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Year of the Grilled Cheese
They say you are what you eat. If that is the case this year I would be a grilled cheese sandwich. Since there is reasonable evidence that I have not yet turned into a grilled cheese, more than "I am what I eat" I more wonder what I am eating say about the current state of my life.
I have this sneaky suspicion that my Tillamook Medium Cheddar on whole wheat (generally Kirkland Multigrain; if I'm lucky Dave's Killer Bread) says more about my life this past year than I generally willing to admit -or at least that I am consciously aware.
So what do grilled cheese sandwiches say about this past year for me? I've needed comfort food. Something easy, quick, savory, and filling. This has also been the coldest wettest year I remember since living in SoCal -and cold weather just calls for a crispy, gooy grilled cheese! Bread and cheese are the staples most often found in my cupboard/fridge. Bread and cheese also go very well with wine. Another one of my favorite things to partake in.
The need for comfort food is what I seem to land on as the most telling part of the continuous eating of my delicious grilled cheese sandwich. This has been a FULL year to say the least. Between work, recovering from surgery, beginning my MA is Spiritual Formation (which alone requires comfort food) and maybe having somewhat of a life -LIFE IS FULL. I've had so little time and space to plan my meals that a toasted bread with soft and warm insides satisfy my need for good food with out requiring more of me. I am not sure if this is something that makes me feel sad or just thankful. -Sad that I haven't had more time and space to tear apart the kitchen to produce something exquisit. -Thankful that in spite of a full like I have found something that satisfies my particular taste and need for nourishment.
All that to say, grilled cheese sandwiches have sustained me in the food department this year. This is a good. I may even have one for dinner tonight!
I have this sneaky suspicion that my Tillamook Medium Cheddar on whole wheat (generally Kirkland Multigrain; if I'm lucky Dave's Killer Bread) says more about my life this past year than I generally willing to admit -or at least that I am consciously aware.
So what do grilled cheese sandwiches say about this past year for me? I've needed comfort food. Something easy, quick, savory, and filling. This has also been the coldest wettest year I remember since living in SoCal -and cold weather just calls for a crispy, gooy grilled cheese! Bread and cheese are the staples most often found in my cupboard/fridge. Bread and cheese also go very well with wine. Another one of my favorite things to partake in.
The need for comfort food is what I seem to land on as the most telling part of the continuous eating of my delicious grilled cheese sandwich. This has been a FULL year to say the least. Between work, recovering from surgery, beginning my MA is Spiritual Formation (which alone requires comfort food) and maybe having somewhat of a life -LIFE IS FULL. I've had so little time and space to plan my meals that a toasted bread with soft and warm insides satisfy my need for good food with out requiring more of me. I am not sure if this is something that makes me feel sad or just thankful. -Sad that I haven't had more time and space to tear apart the kitchen to produce something exquisit. -Thankful that in spite of a full like I have found something that satisfies my particular taste and need for nourishment.
All that to say, grilled cheese sandwiches have sustained me in the food department this year. This is a good. I may even have one for dinner tonight!
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